Fake Fake Fake

I do not subscribe to a lot of lame female habits. I do not need anyone to go with me to the bathroom. I do not need my girlfriends to tell me something is good in order to believe it is. I do not have to look perfect in order to feel good. I can not pretend to like someone if I don't. And I do not care one bit if one of my peers is better than me at something. And I refuse to hide my talents so that other females around me don't feel threatened, or to justify and explain my uniqueness so they don't judge me.

Here I am. What you see is what you get. And whatever I don't say to your poor, fake yet unconfident, popularity obsessed, overly made up face, you can read about on my blog.

I am unique and I respect that those around me are too. I work really hard to be nice to everyone because I am nice. I like to notice the differences in others and to enjoy them. But I refuse to stroke the egos of my peers to get them to like me. I am done trying to please people who are complicated and fake and difficult to please.

If I have learned anything in life it is that I am happiest when I listen to my heart and my family and do only what I feel is important.

So I am sorry if you don't like how I did my hair today. I like it. And I am proud of how fast I did it because I ran early this morning which didn't leave me much time to do it. And I am sorry if you aren't married. That has nothing to do with me. I am in love, deal with it.

And I am sorry if I don't spend hours a day stroking your ego and listening to you talk about how great you are. I don't care how great you are. You seem to care enough about yourself for all of us. So you don't need my attention to reinforce how great you think you are.

And I don't need your attention so sorry if I offend you for not asking for it. I am fine. I have confidence, I don't need to fake it. I like myself for real and don't need your approval at all.

So go ahead and buy the car that you cant afford so we will all tell you how great your car is. Go ahead and spend all your money on clothes, so we will all tell you how cute you look. Go ahead and keep trying to meet the perfect man without flaws who doesn't see past your fake exterior, and says he loves you for who you you are, but really only loves you for who you pretend you are because you are too fake to show him your real self. Go ahead. Enjoy your fake life caring about superficial things and pretending that you are happy.

Just know that I don't drink your koolaid. Because I like real people. With real problems and real advice and real quirks who are imperfect. So don't mind me. You won't convert me to your cause. I know you can't handle being around me because you can't make me one of your lemmings. Deal with it and leave me alone.

The Prop 8 Debate

The great Homosexual Marriage debate. Similar to that of Pro Life Vs Pro Choice. It is an argument which can never be resolved because of fundamental differences in moral belief.

The abortion thing can be summed up in one paragraph. One side believes that they have the right to chose whether or not to lend their body to a fetus for nine months and or allow the fetus to become a human, and that to control what another person chooses to do with their body is morally wrong. The other side believes that the choice was made on the night of conception, and that to end an already growing life is morally wrong. The two sides will never come to an agreement because one believes in the termination of pregnancy a time in which human life has not yet begun, while the other believes in the protection of human life which has begun some time in the pre natal stage. Both sides are right. Because according to the belief of each, the act of abortion either ends or doesn't end an actual human life.

The argument for Gay Marriage is similar in the sense that each side believes in a different moral code. One side believes that marriage is a commandment from God, and because it was commanded that it be between two members of the opposite sex, it is morally wrong to obey the commandment incorrectly. The other side believes that marriage is step in the journey of love, the opportunity to join yourself to another person in a secure loving relationship until death. The two sides will never agree, because they are both right. You can claim that it is about benefits or teaching about gay marriage in schools, but those arguments simply supplemental to the real issue. To allow two people to participate in a religious ceremony ( I say religious because the first ceremony on record is in the Bible, and thus the basis for this side's argument) who in the act are disobeying it's purpose, is wrong. To disallow two people who love one another to participate in the highest expression of love and commitment on this earth, is wrong. Didn't we learn anything from Romeo and Juliet? So, there is no solution. And the law will be written according to who is the majority. Those who either sympathize or believe that God sympathizes with homosexuals, or those who don't or believe that God doesn't.

As for me, I am not inclined to have an abortion or a homosexual relationship. I have been taught my whole life that to suffer is honorable, to accept the consequences of ones actions is necessary and a grand step in the repentance process. To deny myself of desires or acts incongruent with the moral standard which I subscribe to will make me stronger and therefore happier in the long run. Which to be honest, it has. I also feel that these debates would be solved if we all knew what God thought. But we don't. We all just try to do what we think God thinks is good. Or at least I like to think that each of us does.

My personal opinion on the subject of gay marriage is this. I do not have a large friend base of homosexual people. I do however, have a few friends who smoke weed. I love each of these people. I don't smoke weed, but I don't think any less of them for doing so, because I do not hold them to the moral standard that I hold myself to. I believe what I chose to believe and I allow all others the same privilege. However, when it comes to voting, am I going to vote to legalize the sale of Marijuana in this country? No. Does that mean I love my friends any less? No. Do I sympathize with them and respect that their personal habits are their own choice. Yes. My personal integrity though compels me support the moral code by which I live with my vote. Therefore because I feel that it is wrong to smoke weed, I can not support legalizing it's sale in this country. The same is true for me on the subject of Gay marriage. Though I feel for those who are legally prevented from marrying the one they love, and I wish that there was some other way. Because I feel that it is wrong to participate in a homosexual relationship, I can not support legalizing homosexual marriage in this country.

It sounds more complicated than it is. The simple explanation is that I cannot vote for something to be legalized that I would not do. Because it would be like me saying that it is not wrong morally. Because if it is legal it must be right, right? I am aware that loving those who do not share my moral standard would normally make me empathize with them enough to vote for what they want. But it's not personal, it's politics, so I can love others, empathize with them and still not vote with them.

It's about time

Something happened to me tonight.  I was speeding down the 22 freeway listening to the radio, enjoying a little Social Distortion, when all of a sudden I realized that a part of me has been missing for a long time.  And I practically said out loud to myself, "Where have you been?"  Where have I been?  Somehow a few years back the punk rock girl inside of me was purged out, and for a moment tonight I realized it, and frankly I hardly recognize myself.  Where is the girl who listens to Sublime, and Longfellow, who Identifies with Kurt Cobain and Rivers Cuomo?  I miss the girl who drives a beater car and Skates to Jr. College on the days it breaks down.  (OK I only did that once, usually I just bummed a ride when that happened)  What ever happened to my A New Found Glory T-shirt and me not being afraid to go bra-less in it?  I miss those things.  

I am proud of all that I have learned and accomplished don't get me wrong.  But somewhere along the road I lost my feist, my spark.  Maybe it was those designer Jeans, or maybe it changed when I started wearing makeup regularly.  Maybe it was fashion design school, my mission, or just the act of growing up and having to pay bills and work for the man and go to the grocery store every week that dulled me out.  

I used to go to shows every week.  I used to punch people.  I used to skate, and eat nachos for dinner, and do my hair in crazy looking twisty dreads.  I used to listen to music as loud as it would go, and hang my head out the window and sing as loud as I could.  I prided myself on the fact that boys were scared of my Dad, and would tell them all about his gun collection.  'Daddy's got a new forty fi-ive.'

Where did I soften up?  What changed in me.  I used to be tough, and I didn't take crap from anybody.  I used to eat people like you for breakfast.  Now I read fashion magazines, I am kind, I listen to Enya and Kelly Clarkson, and I am afraid of offending anybody.  

My college roommate and very close friend told me that I was different now awhile back, but I didn't understand.  Then something hit me tonight, the real me came back.  And as I pulled off the freeway, I turned up the radio and started shaking my sideways pointed finger at the dashboard as I enjoyed some much needed Offspring.  And I made a pact with myself to never let my real self get pushed away again.  I am a feisty punk!  And it would be a tragedy for me to let myself continue to become this girly softy that I'm not.  I like bad kids, and chances are, when I have kids, they are gonna be crazy like I was, and I don't want to be the mom that listens to 'Love Songs on The Coast'.  I like Nirvana dangit!  And I am going to sing Weezer to my kids when they go to sleep.  I don't care what everyone else thinks about me.  Where have I been all this time and what was I thinking?

It doesn't matter, I'm back now, and I am never gonna let the real me go again.  It's one thing to grow up, it's another to sell out.  It's time to watch Empire Records and to remember what I love about life.  "Dang the man, save the Empire."  

"Now I'll relate this little bit

That happens more than I'd like to admit...

Well I guess I should stick up for myself

But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care 
Right? Yeah-eh-eh"

-The Offspring

LAkers vs. Jazz

I have recently participated in a debate of which team is better on a friend's facebook page.  And honestly, I was baffeled at the vigor with wich Utah fans try to discredit the Lakers.  I thought it was no contest, I mean aren't they THE team to beat like every year?  They are good, no questions asked, and they have been good for a long time.  I have fond memories of seeing black kids dancing in the street in Southgate proudly holding up Lakers Jerseys and waving them with sheer joy the night the Lakers won the Championships in 2000.  That joyful memory will forever make me a Laker fan.  But that wasn't their only championship nor was it even the last time they won it.  So why is this even a debate.  The Lakers are good, everyone respects them and those who are jealous of their talent and success hate them.....and thus we have the Jazz fans.  

I mean I guess I can understand this hatred, I too would be a bit unhappy if I only had two professional sports teams in my entire state.  What was the other one in Utah again?  A soccer team or something?  I mean I guess they have a couple of minor league teams and a few college football teams.  But seriously, the Jazz are practically their only pro ball team.  So I can understand a bitter inferiority complex which seems to stem their hatred for teams who clearly blow them out of the water.  I mean, if my team sucked, I could just cheer for another NBA team in my state, like the Kings or the Warriors.  Or I could cheer for another team in CA from another professional league like the Chargers or the Dodgers or the A's.  It must be tough to have no one else to cheer for other than one measly mediocre NBA team.  So Utah fans, I forgive you.  It's not your fault that you are all so bitter.  If the Raiders were the only pro team in my state, I might be all uptight and angry too.  So as a peace offering, I would like to offer you the San Diego Padres.  Go ahead cheer for them.  Their fans are so laid back down there in SD, they won't mind a few crazy screamers in the outfield.  Have a great summer Utah, and good luck in the rest of this playoff series, you're gonna need it.

Shoes shoes shoes

I like to buy shoes.  I like them.  I can't really decide why, but it's like I need shoes for every outfit and for every occasion.  Because for instance, you can dress an outfit up with a great pair of heels, or dress it down with a flip-flop.  So really many times having two pairs of shoes per outfit is justifiable.  Buying shoes for me is like when a four year old goes to Disneyland.  I may have been there before, but I'm just as stoked to go this time as I was the last time.  And I am going to enjoy every minute of it. 

There was once a time in my life when my husband was frequently away on business trips and I was often at home alone on weekends and lonely.  One day in particular, my husband was out of town and I had to go to the doctors and have blood drawn.  And in the same way you would tell a  child that if he sits still for the doctor to give him a shot, you will give him a lolli-pop, I told myself that if I made it through the doctor visit, I would treat myself to a Payless run.  That turned out to be a good night after all.  And the two pairs of heels that I bought that night are still two of my favorites.

I actually, surprisingly don't spend a lot of money on shoes, and the reason for that is simple.  I can appreciate the value of trendy shoes from low priced stores.  Sure they may all be knock-offs with not nearly as much comfort as the shoes you might buy at say Nordstrom or Steve Madden, but they will most likely be out of style by the time they wear out any way, and uncomfortable shoes is what Dr. Scholls inserts were invented for.  Yep I'm gellin' in my hot, inexpensive shoes that I had a really great time buying.

Besides that, my Brother made a comment once when we were moving that struck me.  We had already moved almost everything out of the apartment, and he was helping me get the last of it.  I had put all of my shoes in a large pile in the middle of the floor, and then I asked him to help me pack 'em up and load them in the truck.  And you wanna know what he said to me?  He said "I'm gonna laugh when you have a baby and your feet grow a size and you can't fit into all these shoes anymore."  A fate worse than death.  One which actually did occur with my Mother after the birth of my sister.  And though it would be devastating, if I continue to build my shoe wardrobe with classy inexpensive DSW and Target finds, it would be no great loss.  And then would come the overwhelming joy of going shoe shopping.  That, I feel would be a glorious day.  A completely justified shoe shopping extravaganza.  Moral of the story, from the ashes of disaster grow the roses of success............and there is a fine line between extreme enjoyment and obsessive addiction, and I walk that line in high heeled boots.

Determination

I have been trying to eat less and dieting for awhile now.  I'm on a weight loss program which I love and it has really jump started my metabolism, and helped me to feel satisfied by the food that I eat.  Now that I'm in this good place, I am also starting to notice my body shrinking, very very slowly, but shrinking back to normal none the less.  

I should have known that I could do it, I did go through a long phase of being a vegan in college.  And If I could control what I ate then, I can surely be the master of what I eat now.  The only problem is that I wasn't eating excessively when I gained the weight.  I had actually just worked hard to get all of the weight I had gained during my 10 week pregnancy and doing well with that when the new weight started piling on quickly due to a wicked side effect from a prescription.  So how do you lose weight that you didn't gain from eating?  I tried running.  I ran a lot, and did weights and basically spent 90+ min a day at the gym for a while, but to no avail.  So I started on this program and honestly, I haven't even had time to exercise lately, but I'm still doing well.  And I am eating so consciously in order to stay on the right track.  I mean I'm not perfect.  I eat pizza occasionally, and pasta, and sometimes I eat dessert.  But, I'm pretty proud of myself for doing well at the program, and I am stoked to feel good about the way I look for the first time in awhile.  So basically, what I am trying to say is, that if I can work so hard at this, then I am pretty sure that anyone can work hard at anything and see the fruits of their labor.  Go get 'em world, there's nothing you can't do with a little patience, room for leeway, and a whole lot of determination.  When I get back to my goal weight, well actually when I can fit into those new jeans I bought last year, I'll let you know.

"White/Non Hispanic"

You know what is the most offensive thing to me? The word "White" as an option to mark for race, on applications and government documents.. There may be more cultures and countries that make up this classification than any other. Are they asking if I am of European descent, or if I come from South Africa? Where is the option for scandinavian? Or North Algerian? Those people are just supposed to join all of the rest of the French, Norwegians, and Canadians in the same category?

What really bothers bothers me though, is Having to mark "White/Non-Hispanic" My fathers first language was spanish! I am not non-hispanic. I am proud of my high class Mexican heritage, and the more I learn about my great grandmother, the more it bothers me to dishonor her by stating that I am non-hispanic. Why isn't there an option for "Mostly European with a little bit of Mexican"?

Where is the option for descendants of illegitimate children of Prince Edward of 18th century England, huh? Where is the option for descendants of an Irish soldier who married a Mexican girl and then settled in the United States when it was difficult to be an Irishman in this country? Where is the option for descendant of Eleanor of Acquitain, a very highly loved queen from southern France, the mother of Richard the Lionheart? Where are these options? Why can't I claim my heritage like Native Americans can? Why do I have to be grouped with all of the people of German and Icelandic descent? I am different than them. I have a rich heritage of which I am very proud. My ancestors have each contributed greatly to this world in their own rights, many of whom suffered greatly in doing so. Some were banished to Australia, or forced to leave their home lands in Ireland to live in Scotland, or brutally attacked and forced to travel across the frozen plains of north America only to settle in miserable Utah. Shouldn't I get some kind of scholarship for that? Does the fact that most of them had light colored skin mean that I am assumed to not deserve to be hired above someone with another color of skin. I mean if we're going to have equal opportunity, lets really look at things equally here. My ancestors worked hard to survive let alone for what I have, and so have I. I grew up in a household with a lot less money than the households of kids who are a different race than I am who are being favored for jobs and scholarships above me, and I have had to make it through that on my own, with no special treatment. In several of my jobs, I have been the only "white" person on staff. Calling me "white" is the worst thing the government can do for my future. It puts other people above me, when they are no different than me. We are all immigrants or descendants of immigrants. If we are going to be Politically Correct, then lets be Politically Correct.

I am English, French, Irish, Scottish, and Scotts-Irish, and Mexican. I am a descendant of Mormon Pioneers, a daughter and granddaughter of a WWI Vet, two WWII Vets, and a Vietnam War Vet. I am not "White" my skin is peach in the winter and tan in the summer. And I am certainly not "Non-Hispanic". So from now on, until a new option is created, I refuse to state that my race is something that I am not. Put that in the Census and smoke it.