It's about time

Something happened to me tonight.  I was speeding down the 22 freeway listening to the radio, enjoying a little Social Distortion, when all of a sudden I realized that a part of me has been missing for a long time.  And I practically said out loud to myself, "Where have you been?"  Where have I been?  Somehow a few years back the punk rock girl inside of me was purged out, and for a moment tonight I realized it, and frankly I hardly recognize myself.  Where is the girl who listens to Sublime, and Longfellow, who Identifies with Kurt Cobain and Rivers Cuomo?  I miss the girl who drives a beater car and Skates to Jr. College on the days it breaks down.  (OK I only did that once, usually I just bummed a ride when that happened)  What ever happened to my A New Found Glory T-shirt and me not being afraid to go bra-less in it?  I miss those things.  

I am proud of all that I have learned and accomplished don't get me wrong.  But somewhere along the road I lost my feist, my spark.  Maybe it was those designer Jeans, or maybe it changed when I started wearing makeup regularly.  Maybe it was fashion design school, my mission, or just the act of growing up and having to pay bills and work for the man and go to the grocery store every week that dulled me out.  

I used to go to shows every week.  I used to punch people.  I used to skate, and eat nachos for dinner, and do my hair in crazy looking twisty dreads.  I used to listen to music as loud as it would go, and hang my head out the window and sing as loud as I could.  I prided myself on the fact that boys were scared of my Dad, and would tell them all about his gun collection.  'Daddy's got a new forty fi-ive.'

Where did I soften up?  What changed in me.  I used to be tough, and I didn't take crap from anybody.  I used to eat people like you for breakfast.  Now I read fashion magazines, I am kind, I listen to Enya and Kelly Clarkson, and I am afraid of offending anybody.  

My college roommate and very close friend told me that I was different now awhile back, but I didn't understand.  Then something hit me tonight, the real me came back.  And as I pulled off the freeway, I turned up the radio and started shaking my sideways pointed finger at the dashboard as I enjoyed some much needed Offspring.  And I made a pact with myself to never let my real self get pushed away again.  I am a feisty punk!  And it would be a tragedy for me to let myself continue to become this girly softy that I'm not.  I like bad kids, and chances are, when I have kids, they are gonna be crazy like I was, and I don't want to be the mom that listens to 'Love Songs on The Coast'.  I like Nirvana dangit!  And I am going to sing Weezer to my kids when they go to sleep.  I don't care what everyone else thinks about me.  Where have I been all this time and what was I thinking?

It doesn't matter, I'm back now, and I am never gonna let the real me go again.  It's one thing to grow up, it's another to sell out.  It's time to watch Empire Records and to remember what I love about life.  "Dang the man, save the Empire."  

"Now I'll relate this little bit

That happens more than I'd like to admit...

Well I guess I should stick up for myself

But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care 
Right? Yeah-eh-eh"

-The Offspring